I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALLMy neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL








