I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
BILL ENGVALLMy neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL -
I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALL -
I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
BILL ENGVALL -
Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
BILL ENGVALL -
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
BILL ENGVALL -
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL -
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL -
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL -
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL -
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL -
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
BILL ENGVALL -
And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
BILL ENGVALL







