This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
BILL ENGVALLMy neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
-
-
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL -
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL -
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALL -
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
BILL ENGVALL -
I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL -
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL -
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL -
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL -
Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
BILL ENGVALL -
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
BILL ENGVALL -
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALL -
You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL -
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL -
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
BILL ENGVALL -
I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
BILL ENGVALL