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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

Bill Engvall

Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Morning
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Country Guy Sitting
I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
BILL ENGVALL

Hippo People Two
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Two
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny House Humor
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Hate Nothing Stupid
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL

Audience Feelings Looks World
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Distance Fun
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Destiny Texas
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL

Bridges Car Hands
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Belief Life Pain Suck
I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Drunk One Power
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
BILL ENGVALL

Buy Real Stuff Trying Wife
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
BILL ENGVALL

Bed Getting Older Thinking
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Around Attendant Looked Resist Swelled Walk

The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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