My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
BILL ENGVALLI now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
BILL ENGVALL