Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALLMy friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL