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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

Bill Engvall

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny House Humor
I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
BILL ENGVALL

Behind Dude Saw Shut Size Things
I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALL

Age Aware Barometric Comic Destiny Pressure
Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Morning
I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL

Gay Hell Sex
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL

Heaven Long Song
So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALL

Catholics Communion Left Second
Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
BILL ENGVALL

Causes Playing Talking
I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Drunk One Power
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL

Mother Pants School
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL

Bus Doors Driver
I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Jacket Nope Replied Side Sign
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
BILL ENGVALL

Bed Getting Older Thinking
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Belief Life Pain Suck

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Bill Engvall Quotes