A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALLOh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL