I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
BILL ENGVALLOh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALL







