Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
BILL ENGVALLOh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL