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A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”

Bill Burr

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
BILL BURR

Childhood Funny Running
I do enjoy them. I get to meet the next generation of comics and help them out. Big comics doing small shows was something that used to happen a lot more back in the day. I wish there was more of that.
BILL BURR

Generations Next Wish
I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
BILL BURR

Easy Saint Wife
If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.
BILL BURR

Kids Mortgage Thinking Years
If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you’re from and some of the thought processes.
BILL BURR

Chance Country East
What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.
BILL BURR

Experience Heart Liberal Show Worried
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
BILL BURR

People Week Yelling
The greatest comebacks ever – watching [Donald Trump] get the nomination for the Republican Party is the most astounding thing I’ve ever seen.
BILL BURR

Astounding Ever Greatest Republican Seen
Once you do a joke and it works it’s only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.
BILL BURR

Barrels Long Shooting
You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
BILL BURR

Fantasizing Play Safe Sleep Tremendous
I don’t think people know what hygienist means.
BILL BURR

Mean People Thinking
When you say, “there’s no reason [to hit a woman]” that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, “there’s no reason,” you cut out the build-up and you’re just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out?
BILL BURR

Cutting People Two Woman
It’s better to just plough ahead. And if I say something they don’t get, I just make fun of myself for assuming that everybody knows everything about where I live.
BILL BURR

Assuming Fun Knows
I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
BILL BURR

Elbows Elderly Today
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
BILL BURR

Banker Dog Funny Hate Issue
I consider Ric Flair to be one of the great comedic minds. But I never got to see him growing up because that was back when they still had territories.
BILL BURR

Growing Up Mind Territory

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