“There is a mass of people, we might as well admit, who if they weren’t watching television, would be doing absolutely nothing else.”

I don’t stutter when I talk to God. He loves me.

Fame – anyone who says he doesn’t like it is crazy

Football season: The only time of the year when a man can walk down the street with a blond on one arm and a blanket on the other without encountering raised eyebrows.

Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.

TV’s sameness has destroyed many things, such as the American urge toward independent thought.

Do I believe in ghosts? Of course I do. So do you. Deep in the souls of the most sophisticated of us is lurking a fear of the supernatural which all the discoveries of scientists cannot eradicate.

For me, a hearty “belly laugh” is one of the beautiful sounds in the world.

I think the right to read, is one of our inherent rights, and I think that people in America today are intelligent enough to decide for themselves what they want to read. Without being told, by self-appointed people, you must not read this, or you cannot read this.

The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.

Politicians are like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.

Good manners: The noise you don’t make when you’re eating soup.

Oratory is the art of making a loud noise sound like a deep thought.

One of the greatest threats facing book publishing, and the entire country for that matter, is censorship.

The Atomic Age is here to stay – but are we?

The fundamental difference between the mystery story and the ghost story is the fact that a mystery demands a solution for its effectiveness; a ghost story is necessarily unsolvable; the reader must be willing to accept the fact that nothing is proved.

There once was a student named Bessor Whose knowledge grew lessor and lessor. It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And today he’s a college professor!

If you remember nothing else, remember this: Inspiration from outside one’s self is like the heat in an oven.

Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.

What he does with it, that’s something else, but he’s got it all. The talent, the instrument is there, that’s why he has endured.

Quite possibly there would be no other human beings left to be concerned about anything else.

If you want to be an actor and you love acting, you can do it whether you’re doing something else or not.

You can never win as a sight-seer. Somebody else, more often than not the first person you meet when you get back home, has been there before you.

Love, marriage, divorce, infidelity… life was the same here as anywhere else, wasn’t?

Custard pie humour is fairly universal, but at the other end, which I’m more interested in, there’s the humour that hovers on the darkness, that walks in the shadow of something else, not always that obvious.