“For me, a hearty “belly laugh” is one of the beautiful sounds in the world.”

Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.

TV’s sameness has destroyed many things, such as the American urge toward independent thought.

Do I believe in ghosts? Of course I do. So do you. Deep in the souls of the most sophisticated of us is lurking a fear of the supernatural which all the discoveries of scientists cannot eradicate.

I think the right to read, is one of our inherent rights, and I think that people in America today are intelligent enough to decide for themselves what they want to read. Without being told, by self-appointed people, you must not read this, or you cannot read this.

The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.

Politicians are like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.

Good manners: The noise you don’t make when you’re eating soup.

Oratory is the art of making a loud noise sound like a deep thought.

One of the greatest threats facing book publishing, and the entire country for that matter, is censorship.

The Atomic Age is here to stay – but are we?

The fundamental difference between the mystery story and the ghost story is the fact that a mystery demands a solution for its effectiveness; a ghost story is necessarily unsolvable; the reader must be willing to accept the fact that nothing is proved.

There once was a student named Bessor Whose knowledge grew lessor and lessor. It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And today he’s a college professor!

Banquet: a plate of cold, hairy chicken and artificially coloured green peas completely surrounded by dreary speeches and appeals for donations.

One of the troubles of the day, observes Mr. C.N. Peac, is that once we came upon the little red schoolhouse, whereas now we come upon the little-read school boy.

The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost.

The fact that we don’t read more books in America can be traced squarely to the fact that we have newspapers that are about a hundred times as big as the newspapers anywhere else.

A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.

When you’re a young comedian the first thing you want to do is get a laugh.

They want to let the audience figure things out and let the reaction shot get the laugh.

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an’ it keeps on laughin’.

If you’re asking me what I love, it’s that point where I’m just scribbling and trying to make myself laugh and trying to outrage myself. Getting in that frame of mind where the more you laugh the more you laugh – I think that’s what I’m attempting to do.

When you laugh with good-hearted innocence at your own creations, you are free.

I’ll get laughs in the places I don’t want them and that makes me realize the direction I want to go in. I don’t mean to get too deep into comedy here.