Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
ALAN CORENTelevision is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
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Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
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Disneyworld… is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin’s, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan’s.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
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The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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Why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
ALAN COREN