Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
ALAN CORENDemocracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic… being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated – south from Sweden in about 500 BC.
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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
ALAN COREN