All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
ALAN CORENStrictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
ALAN COREN -
English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
ALAN COREN -
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
ALAN COREN -
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
ALAN COREN -
The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
ALAN COREN -
Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
ALAN COREN -
Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
ALAN COREN