Illogically, I tend to assume that if you ( Philip Larkin) dream of caning schoolgirls bottoms, it disqualifies you from dismissing half the nation as work-shy.
ALAN BENNETTBut most men regard their life as a poem that women threaten.
More Alan Bennett Quotes
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The longer I practise medicine, the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don’t.
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To play Trivial Pursuit with a life like mine could be said to be a form of homeopathy.
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That’s a bit like asking a man crawling across the Sahara whether he would prefer Perrier or Malvern water.
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Standards are always out of date. That’s what makes them standards.
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You always know when you’re going to arrive. If you go by car, you don’t. Apart from anything else, I prefer cycling. It puts you in a good mood, I find.
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We still don’t like to admit the war was even partly our fault because so many of our people died.
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A book is a device to ignite the imagination.
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Books, bread and butter, mashed potato – one finishes what’s on one’s plate. That’s always been my philosophy.
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Why do we not care to acknowledge them? The cattle, the body count.
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Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.
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History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket.
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At the drabber moments of my life (swilling some excrement from the steps, for instance, or rooting with a bent coat-hanger down a blocked sink) thoughts occur like.
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Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.
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I write plays about things that I can’t resolve in my mind. I try to root things out.
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I’m not “happy” but I’m not unhappy about it.
ALAN BENNETT






