“The purpose of life is to amount to something and have it make some difference that you lived at all.”

The lack of faith is not doubt. It is certainty.

The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether you’re supervised or not; finish a job once it’s started; carry money without spending it; and the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

Believing that the dream of freedom, brotherhood, and peace for all mankind will someday come true.

Accept every blind date you can get, even with a girl who wears jeans. Maybe you can talk her out of them.

Religion, like water, may be free, but when they pipe it to you, you’ve got to help pay for the piping. And the piper.

If you want a place in the sun, you have got to put up with a few blisters.

It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

I agree that marijuana laws are overdue for an overhaul. I also favor the medical use of marijuana – if it’s prescribed by a physician.

You are what you are when nobody is looking.

If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.

Some People are more turned on by money than they are by love. In one respect they’re alike. They’re both wonderful as long as they last.

Psychotherapy, unlike castor oil, which will work no matter how you get it down, is useless when forced on an uncooperative patient.

In Biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today.