It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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