My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE