In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
BILL ENGVALLSo the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL