“In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.”

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.

Before we had airplanes and astronauts, we really thought that there was an actual place beyond the clouds, somewhere over the rainbow. There was an actual place, and we could go above the clouds and find it.there.

I have some figures which compare the cost of one kilo of airplane compared to one kilo of rice. One kilo of airplane costs thirty thousand US dollars and one kilo of rice is seven cents. And if you want to pay for your one kilo of high-tech products with a kilo of rice, I don’t think we have enough.

I got addicted to Tetris, playing it in my basement, I was missing all these airplane flights over it. After the fourth one that I missed, I realized I needed to get rid of this thing – so ever since then, I don’t play video games any more.

There are no atheists on turbulent airplanes.

The triad is our ability of the United States to conduct nuclear attacks using airplanes, using missiles launched from silos or from the ground, and also from our nuclear subs’ ability to attack. And it’s important – all three of them are critical. It gives us the ability at deterrence.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.

Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they’re successful.

I’ve owned 41 airplanes. A few of them would talk with me. This little seaplane, though, we’ve had long conversations in flight.