“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.”

It’s my object to be stared at like a dog that’s just been shown a card trick.

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth… see you at the final.

We are losing the ‘War on Drugs,’ which means there’s a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine!

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.

I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn’t share with itself.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .

I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin’ mouth.

I know that it’s probably not a good idea for a comedian, especially a satirist, to support a public policy group or a politician.

I’ve been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you’re under pressure.

My dad loved comedians, especially George Jessel, and he loved Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett.

I was not one of those people who wanted to be a comedian when I was growing up. I liked comedy, but didn’t know it was something you could do for a living.

Performers like Tommy Cooper

If you like standup and decide that it’s overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.

I’m a comedian, not a politician.