Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALLDid you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALLMartial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
BILL ENGVALLI now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
BILL ENGVALLSo I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALLIt’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALLGod was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
BILL ENGVALLI believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALLI picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALLOh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALLI just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALLSo the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALLHow about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
BILL ENGVALLA condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALLMa’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
BILL ENGVALLMy wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALLHe knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
BILL ENGVALL