I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALLWhen you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
BILL ENGVALL