I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALLI was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL