I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALLI was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
BILL ENGVALL -
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
BILL ENGVALL