“You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!”

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.

I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

We have to let nature put what’s left together, and see what it can come up with to save our ass.

The bench press per se is not a risky exercise. When done right, it can help improve upper body strength and size. It’s only when form takes a back seat to numbers and when it’s grossly overtrained that problems result.

Don’t be a jerk to other comics and don’t let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you’re going to get somewhere.

We’ve dressed up in our best and are prepared to go down like gentlemen.

You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground, you know that?

The Devil is an Ass , I do acknowledge it.

Is your head up your ass so far that you can’t pull it out?

I couldn’t hit an elephant’s ass with a bull fiddle.