“If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.”

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.

I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

I’ll accept bad taste in a minute, as long as there’s some great comedy minds and performances.

Most of the time, I don’t see the great catch or the long run. What I’m looking at is how the other team defended it.

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.

Long before the awakening of thought on earth, manifestations of cosmic energy must have been produced which have no parallel today.

In waking a tiger, use a long stick.

What a long strange trip it’s been.

The chances of succeeding in this business are slim to none; there’s only a handful of people that have long careers.

I can sit here and hit all the balls and chip and putt all day long, but if you’re not playing competitive golf.