“Jesus Christ can’t hit a golf ball straight. It’s virtually impossible – at best it’s an accident.”

Certainly, if you can’t manage your game, you can’t play tournament golf.

The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.

You only hit a straight ball by accident. The ball is going to move right or left every time you hit it, so you had better make it go one way or the other.

Good golf begins with a good grip.

All other things being equal, greens break to the west.

You continually have to ask yourself what club to play, where to aim it, whether to accept a safe par or to try to go for a birdie. You can’t play every hole the same way. I never could.

Selecting a stroke is like selecting a wife. To each his own.

Your name is the most important thing you own. Don’t ever do anything to disgrace or cheapen it.

Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management.

I don’t believe there is anything like a natural golf swing. A golf swing is an unnatural thing, and it has to be developed.

The most important shot in golf is the next one.

Shoot a lower score than everybody else.

I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.

I dreamed one night that I had 17 holes-in-one and one two, and when I woke up I was so goddam mad.

A shot that goes in the cup is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the flag is skill.

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that ones who drink milkshakes don’t win many ball games.

If you watch me during the game, I celebrate when we press the ball and it goes out.

I’ve always been a good ball-striker, but if you’re not a great putter, you’re not going to win a lot.

I generally mark my ball with a quarter, but sometimes I’ll use a Canadian one-dollar coin.

When your hands are cold, and you’re hitting with old, low-quality irons – my first one was a Merlin model with a green shaft – you learn what to do to hit the ball solid.

Some scenes you juggle two balls, some scenes you juggle three balls, some scenes you can juggle five balls.

He’s passing the ball like Idi Amin.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.