“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.”

Everybody kind of gets to be the person they didn’t get to be.

To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

In my experience, the hardest thing about having someone “come out” to you is the “pretending to be surprised” part.

Sometimes if you have a difficult decisin to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.

And I can see Russia from my house.

Read! When your baby is finally down for the night, pick up a juicy book like Eat, Pray, Love or Pride and Prejudice or my personal favorite,Understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy and Apnea.

Not only is my wardrobe totally average, my body’s totally average. I love all the candy-fantasy fulfillment of Sex and the City.

I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’

I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It’s better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

When actors are too good-looking, I can’t memorize them. For example, I have never seen a picture of Sienna Miller where I didn’t say, “That girl’s pretty. Who is that?

I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

For my first show at ‘SNL’, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don’t worry, lonely women, you’ll be dead soon.

I can’t imagine that I would have been cast in the role, without Jamie Lee giving me a thumbs up.

We are Muslims. My father would pawn off his Muslim in-laws as Hindus just so that he could get free pancakes.

I’ll get cast occasionally as sort of the jerk version of myself, and I have fun doing that. But it’s really better for everyone if I stay behind the camera.

Well, we’ve been lucky devils both And there is no need for a pledge or oath To bind our lovely friendship fast, By firmer stuff Close bound enough.

Well, we’ve been lucky devils both And there is no need for a pledge or oath To bind our lovely friendship fast, By firmer stuff Close bound enough.

For this is the true strength of guilty kings, When they corrupt the souls of those they rule.

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

Will you tell yourself it’s not true, when those around you all doubt? Will you believe in the power? Cast your net, pay your debt and to yourself be devout.