“As a former writer for the ‘National Lampoon,’ I’ve probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.”

Liberals have invented whole college majors – psychology, sociology and women’s studies – to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault.

There is only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican, and that is the Democrats. It’s going to be hard to do a worse job running American than the Republicans have, but if anybody can do it, it’s the Democrats.

You’re never going to read ‘The Wealth of Nations,’ and you shouldn’t, really. It’s 900 pages.

Bill Clinton is not a hypocrite. If a man believes that it is just and moral to redistribute wealth, there is nothing hypocritical in his attempts to redistribute some of that wealth to himself.

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.

Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that’s when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past.

The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.

The people who despise America are the editors of the ‘New Statesman.’ Their green-card applications must have been turned down.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino’s box.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Sometimes the right response to evil is an appeal to powerful and effective social organization – an appeal to civilization itself.

Some people think that welfare reform should have hurt Bill Clinton with black voters.

The 1960s was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a T-shirt.

Why do elites hate the poor? It’s xenophobia. They don’t know any poor people – except their off-the-books Brazilian nanny and illegal immigrant cleaning lady from Upper Revolta who don’t speak English.

Maybe climate change is a threat, and maybe climate change has been tarted up by climatologists trolling for research grant cash. It doesn’t matter.

There are in fact two things, science and opinion. The former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance.

It’s easier for the former masters to put aside the masks that hid their humanity than for the former slaves to recognise the faces underneath. Or to trust that this is not a new mask these are wearing.

There was discover’d by me a fifth sort, which had near the thickness of the former, but they were almost twice as long. The first time bacteria were observed.

All that seems indispensible in stating the account between the dead and the living, is to see that the debts against the latter do not exceed the advances made by the former.

The Negro was a political football between his former slave master and Northern political adventurers.

As former Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano pointed out, if you build a 50-foot wall, you’ll soon be confronted with a 51-foot ladder.

Love transforms us in the best of ways, allowing us only to look back on a memory of our former self.

The main difference between the Prague Spring and the Velvet Revolution was that the former was mostly the work of Communist party members and others who wanted to bring about ‘socialism with a human face.’