You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.
P. J. O'ROURKEEnding wars is very simple if you surrender.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
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A humorist doesn’t really do that much note-taking.
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The divorce rate in 1946 was higher than it ever had been and as high as it ever would be until the ’70s. The reason was that prior relationships had not endured the strain of war.
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
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The best and brightest don’t go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs.
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I know quite a few fellow members of the news analysis and commentary business, and I have it from the highest-placed sources, on the record, that each and every one of our children is a genius.
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I rarely meet a politician that I don’t like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.
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Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines.
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Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.
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Rich people don’t like to be in the military. The shoes are ugly and the uniforms itch. Rich people don’t go in much for revolution or terrorism, either.
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I like fiction and the kind of history that gives the grace and flavor of fiction to the past. No bloviation on current events, please. I can write that junk myself.
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The budget doesn’t have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn’t have much control over the budget.
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The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
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Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye.
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Barack Obama is more irritating than the other nuisances on the Left.
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The most brilliant satire of all time was ‘A Modest Proposal’ by Jonathan Swift. You’ll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out.
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Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
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Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
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People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.
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My dad died when I was young; my mom remarried with more haste than sense to a fellow… he wasn’t evil or anything, but he was worthless.
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Think what evil creeps liberals would be if their plans to enfeeble the individual, exhaust the economy, impede the rule of law, and cripple national defense were guided by a coherent ideology instead of smug ignorance.
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The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
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I was very much in favor of the Iraq invasion.
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Thank you, Occupy Wall Street. With your vivid example of anticapitalist squalor, I’ve been able to convince all three of my children to become investment bankers.
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When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he’s saving a parking place.
P. J. O'ROURKE