Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
ALAN CORENInside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
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A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
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Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
ALAN COREN