“As a kid, I certainly never thought I would get to spend my life doing something fun.”

As much as people are griping about the Internet taking sales away from artists, it’s been a huge promotional tool for me.

Didn’t have Nintendo, we just poured salt on snails.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

It’s hard to force creativity and humor.

I don’t think there are any new media I’d like to cover.

I can’t get too offended when somebody parodies me.

The window doesn’t open, the fan is broke, and my face is turning blue. I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see the Who.

In a genre where most of the artists are one-hit wonders, I’ve been able to hang around longer than most “serious” acts. I pride myself in being a very talented leech.

I think that nerds, if you want to call them that, have only gotten more hip and assimilated into the culture.

Because you’re supposed to lose yourself in the character, but sometimes people look at a character and go “Oh, it’s ‘Weird Al.'”

My personal taste doesn’t enter into it a lot when I make my decisions as to what to parody.

There are probably a few library fines I haven’t paid yet, but I’m a pretty clean-cut guy overall.

I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you.

Probably 90 percent of my albums have polka medleys.

After that, I made the decision to headline no matter what, even if I was playing to seven people. I wanted people to be there to see me.

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem that time that you made it with the whole hockey team.

I watched a lot of the James Bond movies, certainly, both the old ones and the reboot with Daniel Craig. I watched a lot of the Matt Helm films with Dean Martin, which just have these great car scenes where it’s rear-projected, and they just start making martinis out of a bar in the glove compartment.

A certain traveler who knew many continents was asked what he found most remarkable of all.

Pantagruelism is a certain gaitey of the spirit consisting in a disdain for the hazards of fortune.

Discretion has been termed the better part of valour, and it is more certain, that diffidence is the better part of knowledge.

Whether we kept a certain number of troops there or pulled out completely

Rogues are always found out in some way. Whoever is a wolf will act like a wolf, that is most certain.

The only certainty is death.

I know that they want certain things and they’re in a certain room and they smell like this and they look like that.