Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’
ADAM FERRARAThe only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’
More Adam Ferrara Quotes
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.
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There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’
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I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women.
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I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.
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I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.
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Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. ‘Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain’t getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.’
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Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’
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You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
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If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.
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I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.
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The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring.
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My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’
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My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
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I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date.
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I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’
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Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
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If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
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The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’
ADAM FERRARA -
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
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I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.
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As soon as you lay down, that’s when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. ‘Goodnight, baby.’ ‘Do you think we were together in a past life?’ ‘Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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Just to p-s you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’
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What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
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I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
ADAM FERRARA