“Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.”

The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don’t let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, ‘Well, why’d you put this spoon in this drawer then?’ ‘

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’

What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!

You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren’t.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’

My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.

Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.

I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.

The tragedy of this world is that no one is happy, whether stuck in a time of pain or joy.

It made me perfectly happy with my own company and perhaps was good conditioning for the protracted solitude of writing books as slowly as I do.

The tragedy of this world is that no one is happy, whether stuck in atime of pain or of joy.

I’m still happy with the way Einstein’s Dreams came out. That book came out of a single inspiration. I really felt like I was not creating the words, that I was hearing the words.

I gotta keep busy. I’m not happy unless I’m working on two, three things.

There are two things that I get a lot of pleasure from in my life, and that is, doing what I know how to do well – that really makes me happy.

I’m not “happy” but I’m not unhappy about it.

You want to have fun but you also want to work well. Sometimes I was quite happy at Ferrari, because we would have fun, but then they could not stop having fun and go back to the real work.