“That’s another piece of advice: Don’t go to college; follow your dreams. Unless you’re a doctor – then go to college.”

“Poor guy or poor girl, get offstage. You’re killing us.” But if you get onstage and you don’t sing that well but you give it your all, people will be like, “Yeah, I’ll chug beer to this!”.

Comics know that they do best. They might not be best to rewrite to another person’s comedy, but they know what is best for them. Luckily,

” But, in fact, if you do something you like to do and you’re good at it, you’re going to find someone who will like you for that reason.

When you go out with your crew of friends and you get into trouble, at the end of the night when you come home, you’re still the same crew of friends. It’s just the story that you have to tell.

Jealousy is the worst trait in any person.

Listen to your cool, drunk uncle who tells you to lie. Those are the relationships that last.

People want to be friends with someone who likes to have a good time.

It’s really about committing super-hard to whatever you’re trying to create. In essence, I’m just copying my favorite comedic actors, and it’s the people who make me laugh the hardest who commit the hardest.

I come from both a writing background – with ‘Workaholics’ – and I also act in what I’ve written.

If you like standup and decide that it’s overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

I’m always thinking, ‘my career is over, I have to move back to Omaha, and work on the railroad, with the rest of my family. So no, I’m never thinking I’ve ‘arrived.’ I think that’s a good way to be.

What’s cool about renting is that you don’t care about your house getting destroyed. So I think that is the number

The thing about singing is that if you’re having fun while doing it then people will have fun watching you do it.

Shakespeare was a smart dude. He was the president of Rome.

In high school I was worried about singing in a choir not being a cool thing, like “I want girls to like me so I don’t want to do something that’s not cool.

“Poor guy or poor girl, get offstage. You’re killing us.” But if you get onstage and you don’t sing that well but you give it your all, people will be like, “Yeah, I’ll chug beer to this!”.

Writing to offer a piece of information or a connection is a great way to demonstrate that you’re looking out for the other person.

There are women who are wishing that they were that piece of tape right now.

If it’s a question about stuff that matters to you personally, like favorite food, favorite piece of knowledge, favorite animal, it’s hard not to have an opinion and want to quantify things.

In addition to the pleasure of having the piece, there is a deep and abiding pleasure for me assembling something in my head

Some people wait constructively; they read or knit. I have watched some truly appalling pieces of needlework take form. Others – I am one of them – abandon all thought and purpose to an uneasy vegetative states.

The Holy Scripture is like a diamond: in the dark it is like a piece of glass, but as soon as the light strikes it the water begins to sparkle, and the scintillation of life greets us.

Honey, if you’ve had your eye on a piece of talent and that chick down the road has been getting all the action, then you know what you gotta do… Try A Little Bit Harder.

As a piece of rope, when burnt, retains its form, but cannot serve to bind, so is the ego which is burnt by the fire of supreme Knowledge.