“Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.”

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence.

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

But if there’s love, dear – those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.

You need a touch of madness, just enough that you don’t become stupid!

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

When death is so certain, it is better to die for a good cause.

Dear Friend: I have nearly died three times since morning.

Man does not live by murder alone. He needs affection, approval, encouragement and, occasionally, a hearty meal.

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

I could not stop for death and he did not stop for me.

Most people tiptoe their way through life, hoping they make it safely to death.

To forbid birth is only quicker murder.

Without Jesus Christ man must be in vice and misery with Jesus Christ man is free from vice and misery in Him is all our virtue and all our happiness. Apart from Him there is but vice, misery, darkness, death, despair.