“Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.”

I’ve never been out with a married woman, never. I respect others’ properties.

For all my education, accomplishments, and so called ‘wisdom’… I can’t fathom my own heart.

To me, growing old is great. It’s the very best thing – considering the alternative.

There’s quite a lot of bad stuff written about me. My wife even says a lot of bad stuff about me. But she is wonderful.

I was so poor for so long that I didn’t use anything. I didn’t drive cars, I didn’t eat very much. So, I figured the world owed me a debt, so I’ve been eating very well and have had a very big car for a long time. But I still haven’t caught up with my youth.

I’ve always loved reprehensible people because they’re so much more interesting to play on screen.

I have a knack of making villainous people a little bit sympathetic, a bit of fun on screen.

What a lot of people dont realize about gangs, in my opinion, is that a gang is not there to attack you. Eighty percent of the people in a gang are there to stop anyone from attacking them. You join a gang for protection, not to go out and hit someone.

At age 11, I went to a Jewish school. I speak Yiddish. I’m Church of England Protestant. My father was Catholic, and my mother was Protestant. My wife is a Muslim.

I’m looking for me to disappear, and the acting to disappear, and all you see is a real person.

About Superman and Batman: the former is how America views itself, the latter, darker character is how the rest of the world views America.

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren’t funny.

If you’re a movie actor, you’re on your own – you cannot control the stage. The director controls it.

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly – because if they don’t speak fast enough, nobody will listen to them.

When becoming a character, you have to steal. Steal whatever you see. You can even steal from other actors’ characterizations; but if you do, only steal from the best.

I usually control the environment I’m in, but my control is very quiet and subtle.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I had once thought I would become a doctor but gave up on the thought soon enough. I took up the racquet instead. Later, when I saw my sister studying so much to become a doctor, I was like, ‘Thank God I am a shuttler!’

The biggest difference between L.A. and Edmonton was that instead of people looking at me I was looking at them.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny.’