“All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury.”

Change does not change tradition, it strengthens it. Change is a challenge and anopportunity, not a threat.

Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.

People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.

I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.

There are always twenty excellent reasons for doing nothing for every one reason for starting anything-especially if it has never been done before.

As so often happens, I discover that it would have been better to keep my mouth shut.

Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival.

A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman.

If I were reincarnated I would wish to be returned to Earth as a killer virus to lower human population levels.

I have frequently been misrepresented. I don’t hate the press; I find a lot of it is very unpalatable.

British women can’t cook.

It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.

The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined.

Everything that wasn’t invented by God is invented by an engineer.

Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.

We live in what virtually amounts to a museum – which does not happen to a lot of people.

I always wanted to live in a haunted house.

I stand between two worlds. I am at home in neither, and I suffer in consequence. You artists call me a bourgeois, and the bourgeois try to arrest me…I don’t know which makes me feel worse.

Any one who thinks is an agnostic about something, otherwise he must believe that he is possessed of all knowledge. And the proper place for such a person is in the madhouse or the home for the feeble-minded.

The best thing I’ve done with my money is buy a house for my family. You wake up to a house you love and you feel like somebody.

Spreading Christianity abroad is sometimes an excuse for not having it at home.

You got to realise that when I was 20 years old, I had a house, a Mercedes, a Corvette and a million dollars in the bank before I could buy alcohol legally.

I love doing theater. That’s where my home is.

I’m not one for sightseeing or going around the shops when I’m on holiday. I do enough shopping when I’m at home, and like to have a complete break when I’m away.