I’m too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom’s earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works.
P. J. O'ROURKEHumans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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You can’t destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America’s elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you’re doing us a favor.
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Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino’s box.
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The C student starts a restaurant. The A student writes restaurant reviews.
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Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
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Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
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I don’t even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I’ve never used a computer.
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Call a man ‘ignorant,’ and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.
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Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.
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Thank you, Occupy Wall Street. With your vivid example of anticapitalist squalor, I’ve been able to convince all three of my children to become investment bankers.
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The divorce rate in 1946 was higher than it ever had been and as high as it ever would be until the ’70s. The reason was that prior relationships had not endured the strain of war.
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Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.
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The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
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The budget doesn’t have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn’t have much control over the budget.
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Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the District of Columbia, parted Chesapeake Bay near Annapolis, and wandered for forty years in Delaware.
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Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
P. J. O'ROURKE