“I’ve got a 1990 Porsche 911. It’s just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it.”

People will tell you anything but what they do is always the truth.

Mikhail Gorbachev was the Jimmy Carter of the Communist bloc. The Russians hate him.

Ending wars is very simple if you surrender.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

Will Generation X and the Millennials do a better job running the world than the boomers have? Let’s hope so.

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that’s the point.

You can’t destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America’s elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you’re doing us a favor.

I was very much in favor of the Iraq invasion.

Preachers at black churches are the last people left in the English-speaking world who know the schemes and tropes of classical rhetoric: parallelism, antithesis, epistrophe, synecdoche, metonymy, periphrasis, litotes – the whole bag of tricks.

The divorce rate in 1946 was higher than it ever had been and as high as it ever would be until the ’70s. The reason was that prior relationships had not endured the strain of war.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Teasing and a sense of humor, if you can develop that in your kids, and if you can exercise it with the kids, just makes for a pleasanter atmosphere.

No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it’s probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are.

Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact.

Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I’m not even sure we can draw lessons from them.

If I’ve got a good pinch-hitter, I hate to have him stay on the bench with men on the bases in an early inning. He may end the game right there.

You got to get twenty-seven outs to win.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

A lot of times, college can get you sidetracked. I was ready to turn my full attention to golf.

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I didn’t know Dan Wheldon, but he was big in motorsport, and then this year I got to know Marco Simoncelli, so our thoughts are with them at the moment.

In ’92 I got my first coach and had it for two, three years. My wife hated it.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.