New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State’s registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they’re going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can’t understand what they say.
P. J. O'ROURKEThere isn’t much room for an outsider point of view in print any more.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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Just because a subject is serious doesn’t mean it doesn’t have plenty of absurdities.
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No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it’s probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are.
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Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
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Call a man ‘ignorant,’ and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.
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All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.
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We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren’t there.
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Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.
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Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God’s grace.
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When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he’s saving a parking place.
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Never fight an inanimate object.
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The best and brightest don’t go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs.
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Liberals have invented whole college majors – psychology, sociology and women’s studies – to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault.
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The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids.
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Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
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When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
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The perpetuation of slavery, the exile and extermination of American Indians, and the passage of Jim Crow laws weren’t carried out at the bidding of a few malefactors of great wealth.
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A U.S. dollar is an IOU from the Federal Reserve Bank. It’s a promissory note that doesn’t actually promise anything. It’s not backed by gold or silver.
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Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.
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Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
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Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.
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Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don’t draft people; it’s not jury duty.
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Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.
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Regulation creates a moral hazard.
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Like most sensible people, you probably lost interest in modern art about the time that Julian Schnabel was painting broken pieces of the crockery that his wife had thrown at him for painting broken pieces of crockery instead of painting the bathroom and hall.
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Wealth brings great benefits to the world. Rich people are heros.
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P. J. O'ROURKE