Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
JERRY SEINFELDSurveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
JERRY SEINFELD