“I wanted to be in Jim Carrey comedy movies before I met him. I wanted to be a comedian on Stage 19, yukking it up.”

I can’t even begin to tell you how many casting couches I was attacked on. Not just by casting people, but by stars. And when I wouldn’t give them my number, they’d say, “Who the hell do you think you are? You will never make it in this town. I’ll make sure of it.”

When I travel, I like to take advantage of room service. I’m really into eggs Benedict in the morning.

Without a doubt in my mind, I believe that vaccinations triggered Evan’s autism.

So basically, I don’t know what I’m talking about. But maybe I do.

I’m the worst person to tell anybody how to date.

I usually have my protein at lunch and my carbs at night – I don’t mix protein and carbs.

When I was a little girl, rocking my little dolls, I remember thinking I would be the world’s best mom, and so far I’ve done it.

If you give us a safe vaccine, we’ll use it. It shouldn’t be polio versus autism.

I’m the comedic girl next door and a lot of fun.

The University of Google is where I got my degree from.

People don’t see this side of me. They don’t know I read, like, 800 million spiritual books. Lately I am just really getting into a lot of spirituality.

You totally value and respect your body as you get older.

I didn’t have to work out before 35 but now I have to.

I guess now that I think back, I used to play priest and be a funny priest. I don’t know, I grew up in such a Catholic family that I kind of liked to test the boundaries a little bit and I think I had fun watching my mom laugh.

I’m so scared girls look at my breast implants and think, ‘To get boys, you need big boobs.’ I tell them, ‘Don’t get it done. Those fears go away. You develop other insecurities, but breasts aren’t one of them.’ I want to get them half-size.

I tried a few times, unsuccessfully, to lose weight. It wasn’t until I joined Weight Watchers that I was finally able to do it. I went to meetings and my son came with me. The best thing was that I could eat what I wanted and still lose weight. Slow and steady, I was getting my pre-pregnancy body back.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that’s all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I’ve got a group who can’t play music, one bad comedian plus boyfriend.