“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.”

A gentleman is one who puts more into the world than he takes out.

A gentleman is one who puts more into the world than he takes out.

I do not know what I think until I write it.

Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling.

Criminals do not die by the hands of the law. They die by the hands of other men.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Whisky is liquid sunshine.

The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it.

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

A man without a mustache is a man without a soul.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.