“They never were given a chance to give their respects to the death of the guy they loved back in ’84.”

I can smell parents’ stomach acid right now, but they know that whole “You gotta get a job and you gotta settle for what people perceive as success” thing is really absurd.

Fame is like a big eraser. It’s strange, now that I’m famous. In my parents’ opinion, all the shitty things – all the wreckage of my past – is erased.

If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.

We don’t really become worm food. We go to a magical place with bunnies and rainbows.”

Kurt (Cobain) was a fan of my standup, which was pretty weird.

I’m against gun control. It’s not that I like guns, it’s just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other’s heads off.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn’t get a job and I couldn’t eat meat.

How can you be a vegetarian atheist and own a gun? Well, that’s who I am.

Quit everything until you find something that you just cannot quit.

I called him over and told him about it. He told me that in the back there’s a tank they keep the lobsters in and while they’re in there, they fight and sometimes one loses a claw. I told him ‘then bring me a winner.’

On dope and crack I passed away deader than a door knob But now I’m back

The ones that you sing when you’re driving in the car and as a singer you always go back to them.

Every time you think a thought it ‘registers’, and comes back to you according to the vibrations and wave lengths sent out from your mind.

I’m trying to bring the romance back to music. Old school… Music is meant to be a part of your blood stream, and if it doesn’t affect your bloodstream, then you may as well put it back in the shoebox underneath the bed.

Every day is Thanksgiving for me, man. Yeah, I still have an audience, and they ask the local promoter, “When is Al coming back?”

What we went to World War II for, at least in my mind, was not getting taken care of. It was supposed to be a brave new world, but we were getting back into the old ruts, and we were in a cold war with Russia.

It is my fondest wish that in the fullness of time, the American people will look back on the Franken presidency as something of a mixed bag and not as a complete disaster.