“I’m more married to Sandy now than when we were married with the legal document. We’re still married as parents.”

I wrapped a towel around me and I opened the door, and then I splish, splash, I jumped back in the bath. Well, how was I to know there was a party going on?

The most important thing for anyone, I think, is to be engaged, whether you’re an artist or a journalist is to be engaged in the process at some level.

My philosophy is to take one day at a time. I don’t worry about the future. Tomorrow is even out of sight for me.

I don’t care if I never do another TV show in my life.

Rather, the problem is that any individual merchant’s sign won’t be noticed unless it’s bigger and more garish than those of rival merchants.

My girlfriend Rhonda, who’s now my wife, I graduated from high school, she got pregnant. My grandfather said, ‘You’ve got to do the right thing.’

I am now a turtle. Virtually everything I own is on my back and suffice it to say I am one ton lighter and therefore 2,000 pounds happier. All houses are gone.

Memories are like moonbeams; we do with them what we want.

Who am I that I have to sing under an umbrella? These people are my fans, and if they can stand in the rain to hear me sing, I can stand in the rain.

It was as though all my hostilities, anxieties, and conflicts were in one ball that was flying away into space, farther from me all the time, leaving me content with myself

Maybe I should quit the business. There’s no one left for me to love. Mama’s dead. Mr. Burns couldn’t care less about me. What’s left?

A comedian’s body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

There are certain times I don’t want my picture taken. If my wife’s stepping out of a car and it looks like it’s going to come out an indecent picture, don’t I have a right to object?

I could have a roomful of awards and it wouldn’t mean beans

I’ve got a dream lover, so I don’t have to dream alone.

When once a woman is married she should be regarded as having thrown off her allegiance to her own sex. She is sure to be treacherous at any rate in one direction.

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.

What man thinks of changing himself so as to suit his wife? And yet men expect that women shall put on altogether new characters when they are married, and girls think that they can do so.

A man who is supposed to have caused a disturbance between two married people, in a certain rank of life, does generally receive a certain meed of admiration.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates (470-399 B.C.) “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Why get married? For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state. If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should marry a swan.

In every kid’s life, there’s about three or four years when you’re at liberty, and after that, you have to get a job because you’re getting married or you have to support your parents or whatever it is.