I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
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I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
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I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE







