Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSEMy father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
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Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
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I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
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A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
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Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
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My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
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I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
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I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
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I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
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I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSE