I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE