What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSEWhat do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSEI’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhen the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSEMy father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSEI got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhere do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSEI know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSESilence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
BOB MONKHOUSEWith my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSEPersonally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSEA miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSEI was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSEAlthough I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
BOB MONKHOUSEA tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSE