“It’s going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn’t know anything but what it’s seen on TV.”

I’ve been trying to watch my weight a bit, but when I come to Las Vegas, all bets are off. I get enough healthy food in L.A. where the food is the size of a quarter and costs $40 – when I’m in Vegas, I want a steak!

Dad had a music store, and he’d often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.

Whatever is happening in your life is what’s going on on stage. So if you’re angry in your life, then that’s going to be on stage. If you’re looking for the guy that’s just going to make you laugh for an hour and forget about, that’s me.

Maybe, who knows, I’ll hire myself a trainer and a fancy cook. In five years, maybe I’ll be an action hero. Then again, maybe I’ll just be this guy. Who knows? But the fun part is embracing the human side of that.

I’m always the last one to the party, man. But that’s okay. I got there.

I have been a big guy all my life, I am not going to lose a bunch of weight, because then you’re like that weird fat person that got skinny but still has a big head. I don’t want to do that. So I’m just trying.

You need a wisecracking buddy standing next to you? That’s the role for me. You got the guys who are knock-down, drag-out handsome. That’s what people want to see. Let that guy be the hero. But there’s always a role for the Everyman.

Look, you know, you can’t please everybody. I’m a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn’t matter how funny you are and how well you do, there’s two people that are going to walk out of there hating you.

Yeah, I’ve done Jim Breuer’s radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy when I got ‘Mike & Molly,’ wishing me congratulations.

No one wants to see someone talk who takes themselves too seriously.

As a comic, I’ve heard gunshots while I’m trying to get to sleep. I’ve performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I’m doing the best I can.

Women don’t run around saying, “Oh, I took a Bodysex workshop, and I had so much fun, and Betty Dodson taught us how to blah blah.” They come, they go, and I rarely hear from them again.

Yes, I was in that game where George Brett hit that home run. Billy saw there was too much pine tar on the bat and he went to the umpire, the next thing we knew they were fighting about it.

It was more dangerous not to go; I was running the risk of becoming trapped in my own fantasies. So I was doing the right thing by going. She would behave normally, I would behave normally, and everything would be normal again.

I realized from a very early age that God gave me a gift, and that gift was to run, and I wanted to use it to the best of my ability.

I think Smalltalk is inappropriate for serious industrial developments. After all, run time is a little late to find out whether you have a landing gear.

The Constitution was framed upon the theory that the peoples of the several states must sink or swim together, and that in the long run prosperity and salvation are in union and not division.

Those who work standing … carpenters, sawyers, carvers, blacksmiths, masons … are liable to varicose veins … [because] the strain on the muscles is such that the circulation of the blood is retarded.

In fact when Sweet Honey was ten years old it was too big for me to run, and I knew it, but I ran it for another thirteen years because I couldn’t convince other people to really do it. And this year, I’m not running it.