“It’s going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn’t know anything but what it’s seen on TV.”

I’ve been trying to watch my weight a bit, but when I come to Las Vegas, all bets are off. I get enough healthy food in L.A. where the food is the size of a quarter and costs $40 – when I’m in Vegas, I want a steak!

Dad had a music store, and he’d often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.

Whatever is happening in your life is what’s going on on stage. So if you’re angry in your life, then that’s going to be on stage. If you’re looking for the guy that’s just going to make you laugh for an hour and forget about, that’s me.

Maybe, who knows, I’ll hire myself a trainer and a fancy cook. In five years, maybe I’ll be an action hero. Then again, maybe I’ll just be this guy. Who knows? But the fun part is embracing the human side of that.

I’m always the last one to the party, man. But that’s okay. I got there.

I have been a big guy all my life, I am not going to lose a bunch of weight, because then you’re like that weird fat person that got skinny but still has a big head. I don’t want to do that. So I’m just trying.

You need a wisecracking buddy standing next to you? That’s the role for me. You got the guys who are knock-down, drag-out handsome. That’s what people want to see. Let that guy be the hero. But there’s always a role for the Everyman.

Look, you know, you can’t please everybody. I’m a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn’t matter how funny you are and how well you do, there’s two people that are going to walk out of there hating you.

Yeah, I’ve done Jim Breuer’s radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy when I got ‘Mike & Molly,’ wishing me congratulations.

No one wants to see someone talk who takes themselves too seriously.

As a comic, I’ve heard gunshots while I’m trying to get to sleep. I’ve performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I’m doing the best I can.

Do unto others, then run

I am scared of running out of money.

I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it’s a risk worth running.

I studied Tom Cruise running in all the Mission Impossibles. I think he’s one of the best screen runners.

In the short-run, the market is a voting machine – reflecting a voter-registration test that requires only money, not intelligence or emotional stability – but in the long- run, the market is a weighing machine.

One of the things that I found very confronting in my early working life was that people thought I was some sensitive doe-eyed lovelorn boy, because they’d seen me do that a couple of times. What tends to happen is you get a run of similar roles.

Every so often, we all gaze into the abyss. It’s a depressing fact of life that eventually the clock expires; eventually the sand in the hourglass runs out. It’s the leaving behind of everything that matters to us that hurts the most.

You let things run in order to have some sanity and be able to do your work and not feel pre-judged.