“Look, you know, you can’t please everybody. I’m a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn’t matter how funny you are and how well you do, there’s two people that are going to walk out of there hating you.”

I’ve been trying to watch my weight a bit, but when I come to Las Vegas, all bets are off. I get enough healthy food in L.A. where the food is the size of a quarter and costs $40 – when I’m in Vegas, I want a steak!

Dad had a music store, and he’d often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.

Whatever is happening in your life is what’s going on on stage. So if you’re angry in your life, then that’s going to be on stage. If you’re looking for the guy that’s just going to make you laugh for an hour and forget about, that’s me.

It’s going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn’t know anything but what it’s seen on TV.

Maybe, who knows, I’ll hire myself a trainer and a fancy cook. In five years, maybe I’ll be an action hero. Then again, maybe I’ll just be this guy. Who knows? But the fun part is embracing the human side of that.

I’m always the last one to the party, man. But that’s okay. I got there.

I have been a big guy all my life, I am not going to lose a bunch of weight, because then you’re like that weird fat person that got skinny but still has a big head. I don’t want to do that. So I’m just trying.

You need a wisecracking buddy standing next to you? That’s the role for me. You got the guys who are knock-down, drag-out handsome. That’s what people want to see. Let that guy be the hero. But there’s always a role for the Everyman.

Yeah, I’ve done Jim Breuer’s radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy when I got ‘Mike & Molly,’ wishing me congratulations.

No one wants to see someone talk who takes themselves too seriously.

As a comic, I’ve heard gunshots while I’m trying to get to sleep. I’ve performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I’m doing the best I can.

By 2000, politics will simply fade away. We will not see any political parties.

Two hundred million Americans, and there ain’t two good catchers among ’em.

I don’t like them fellas who drive in two runs and let in three.

I know only two tunes: one of them is ‘Yankee Doodle’, and the other isn’t.

In ’92 I got my first coach and had it for two, three years. My wife hated it.

The love of nature is a different thing from the love of science, though the two may go together.

I had a chance to win $2 million, a week after high school graduation, and if I turned pro, the sponsor was going to financially support me.

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.