“Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”

I don’t care a straw for your newspaper articles, my constituents don’t know how to read, but they can’t help seeing them damned pictures.

It’s surprising how hard we’ll work when the work is done just for ourselves.

I was a disabled child. So, people made fun of me, don’t pretend like this never happens. But at the same time, I never cried about it. I never got sad about it.

Now if a joke is in bad taste or it’s not funny, okay, that’s awhole different thing, but how you craft a joke is really what the writer’s job is, and I don’t think that technique should be subject to any editorial constraints.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement.

I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.

It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?

MOMMMM, I’m thirsty… What’s this, just water?

You ever think about this? Every year you live, you pass the anniversary of your death. Now you don’t know what day it is, of course.

You know, a lot of people feel that sobriety is about just stopping using whatever it was that you appeared to be addicted to, but it really has to do with a way of looking at your life and taking accountability.

I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

You mix a bunch of ingredients, and once in a great while, chemistry happens.

Hobbes: Do you think there’s a God? Calvin: Well, somebody’s out to get me!